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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Fertility issues

This week has been an emotional one. It has had a lot of downs for me. Now that it is almost over it has made me think about my past 3 years of trying for a baby. I have always wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. I was the little girl who went to the neighbors house to just hold their baby. I was the little girl who had 10 baby dolls in a row. I was the little girl who just adored and loved babies and I still do.

Almost 3 years ago Darren and I started trying for a baby. We successfully got pregnant after 5 months of trying and were ecstatic. We told everyone I was pregnant right away. We couldn't wait for our first appointment to see a heartbeat. The day finally arrived at 10 weeks to see the babies heartbeat. The doctor was telling us he see's two babies in there, but something isn't right. He went to get the vaginal ultra sound to get a better look and told us, there was no heartbeat. I cried so hard. I didn't want to lose my twins, but I have.

After a long LONG year later, we had to finally get on clomid. We got pregnant after only two cycles on the clomid. I was way nervous this time around. The doctor made me come in every week since week 5 to get ultra sounds. Everything was never really great with this pregnancy. The doctor always said, "I wouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant just yet." Of course we did. We thought this was our time to have our miracle baby. Boy were we wrong. We lost this baby too. We got attached to this baby early on. We had seen a heartbeat many times and had named the baby "Hank." We loved this baby so much. When we lost this baby we were at a loss. Our hearts hurt. We loved Hank.

I told the doctor we wanted genetic testing done. He agreed. The test results came back. We had found out that I have a blood clotting disorder called Prothrombin. Which for my pregnancies it means that the babies placenta gets a blood clot and then the baby can't get any nutrients and dies. We thought we had figured out the answer and we could solve it by taking blood thinners when I got pregnant again. HALLELUJAH! Wrong!

I have gotten pregnant 2 more times since and haven't made it far enough to even try the blood thinners. You would think by now I would be depressed and upset. Quite the opposite. I have learned a lot about myself and my faith. This past week I have had my 4th miscarriage and I wasn't depressed. I was sad, but this one was different. I took a step back and realized something. God loves me. He is hurting just as much as I have. He is helping me learn and become a better mother someday. I love him for this. I love him for all the trials I have been facing in my life. He has made Darren and I become a stronger couple. I also have realized I am stronger then I have given myself credit for.

Someday Darren and I will have our miracle baby and we can't wait to share the news with all of you. Until then we are happy being the best Uncle and Auntie out there.

9 comments:

Ben and Kathy said...

I'm sorry. I know some of your loss. I miscarried my first at 19 1/2 weeks. Had another at the end of August. I know it wasn't the right time for us. You're a strong beautiful young woman. You're miracle baby is going to have the best parents ever! <3

Christian Olson said...

We'll be there when you have your miracle baby and anything else along the way.

For what it is worth, our kids love you and ask to visit you. I want you to know that you truly are a great Auntie and Darren a great Uncle. I don't think "We love you" adequately covers who much our family truly cares about yours.

denise said...

I don't know if I could say more about our family than what Christian has already said, but I'll join with Christian and say that where ever this road eventually leads we'll be right there beside you.

I know the Lord has plans for you, and you seem to know that too. Hug, kisses, and prayers your way.

Kerstin said...

Ahhhh...that brought be to tears.

You know I wish I could make it all go away for you. I love you so much and if there is anything we can do for you...let me know.

Hugs and hugs and hugs and more hugs...and then a few more hugs for good measure.

Summer said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. I am so amazed at how you can be positive while such a heart wrenching thing is going on. YOU.ARE.AN.AMAZING.WOMEN!

Michele said...

You are amazing! I wish I had your strength to say that I wouldn't be depressed, but that is because you are better than me and much stronger. I know it will happen for you two! You are such an amazing woman heather and know that I love you!

Deno'N'Mo said...

Oh Heather, I am so sorry! I wish I had read this before we chatted today :( I feel like a jerk

The greatest thoughts in life are your own... said...

heather, im so sorry for all of your losses you are such a strong girl and i admire you for that. keep your head up it will happen for you guys. stay postive...
<3. hope

Ryan and Jannali said...

wow you are incredible heather, you are so strong when others faith would be hanging on a thread. You are definitely an inspiration. I pray and hope that you will get that miracle baby that you and your husband will love so much. Thank you for sharing such a difficult experience going on in your life.