Fertility issues

This week has been an emotional one. It has had a lot of downs for me. Now that it is almost over it has made me think about my past 3 years of trying for a baby. I have always wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. I was the little girl who went to the neighbors house to just hold their baby. I was the little girl who had 10 baby dolls in a row. I was the little girl who just adored and loved babies and I still do.

Almost 3 years ago Darren and I started trying for a baby. We successfully got pregnant after 5 months of trying and were ecstatic. We told everyone I was pregnant right away. We couldn't wait for our first appointment to see a heartbeat. The day finally arrived at 10 weeks to see the babies heartbeat. The doctor was telling us he see's two babies in there, but something isn't right. He went to get the vaginal ultra sound to get a better look and told us, there was no heartbeat. I cried so hard. I didn't want to lose my twins, but I have.

After a long LONG year later, we had to finally get on clomid. We got pregnant after only two cycles on the clomid. I was way nervous this time around. The doctor made me come in every week since week 5 to get ultra sounds. Everything was never really great with this pregnancy. The doctor always said, "I wouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant just yet." Of course we did. We thought this was our time to have our miracle baby. Boy were we wrong. We lost this baby too. We got attached to this baby early on. We had seen a heartbeat many times and had named the baby "Hank." We loved this baby so much. When we lost this baby we were at a loss. Our hearts hurt. We loved Hank.

I told the doctor we wanted genetic testing done. He agreed. The test results came back. We had found out that I have a blood clotting disorder called Prothrombin. Which for my pregnancies it means that the babies placenta gets a blood clot and then the baby can't get any nutrients and dies. We thought we had figured out the answer and we could solve it by taking blood thinners when I got pregnant again. HALLELUJAH! Wrong!

I have gotten pregnant 2 more times since and haven't made it far enough to even try the blood thinners. You would think by now I would be depressed and upset. Quite the opposite. I have learned a lot about myself and my faith. This past week I have had my 4th miscarriage and I wasn't depressed. I was sad, but this one was different. I took a step back and realized something. God loves me. He is hurting just as much as I have. He is helping me learn and become a better mother someday. I love him for this. I love him for all the trials I have been facing in my life. He has made Darren and I become a stronger couple. I also have realized I am stronger then I have given myself credit for.

Someday Darren and I will have our miracle baby and we can't wait to share the news with all of you. Until then we are happy being the best Uncle and Auntie out there.